Leon and the Evil Residents
by JillSandwich
Summary: Leon is sent on a mission to rescue the president's daughter. Just another random funny parody. If you are an Ashley hater... this is the parody for you.
1. Cutting the Cheese

This is my very first fanfic EVER! And I really want to thank Luna-Starr for inspiring to make this. If you are reading this, I want to also let you know that your story is hilarious. I loved it! I am not going to take or copy anything or any ideas from your story but if you ever feel that I am, please let me know.

Otherwise enjoy the story!

I do not own Resident Evil

CAPCOM DOES!

Chapter 1

Cutting The Cheese

" Huuuhhh," Leon S. Kennedy sighed in the backseat of a rusty old car.

"Huuuhhh," this time, he was louder.

" HUUU-"

" Will you shut up!" yelled the man in the passenger's seat.

" Well I can't help it if this car ride is majorly boring," said Leon. " I mean, can't we play I Spy or something?"

" What are you, three?" asked the man whose name I do not know.

" No, Leon replied, insulted.

" I know a game we can play," said the driver.

" Oooh! Really! I love games! What's it called?" the government agent asked.

"It's called the quiet game," the driver told him.

" OMG! I love that game! In fact, back on my first day as a cop in 1998, I met this woman named Ada. We eventually had to work together even though she hated me. While we did, we played that game! Ada loved it," said Leon.

Back in 1998

" **A-da," said Leon.**

" **What?"**

"**Are we there yet?"**

" **No."**

" **Can we play a game?" asked the rookie cop.**

**Ada could have slapped him right there, but instead, came up with an idea.**

" **Yes," she said.**

"**AWE-SOME!" yelled Leon.**

" **It's called the quiet game," she said. " You have to not say a single word until you die."**

" **Cool!"**

**Present**

Both men in the front really wanted to slap Leon, but one of them really had to take a dump. Yes. DUMP.

" Wait right here," he said as he quickly got out of the car.

" What else am I going to do? Get out and watch you poo?" said Leon, acting like a smart-alec.

After the boring car ride, they finally arrived at their destination.

" You go ahead," said the driver. " Don't want to get any parking tickets."

" Yeah. That's a good idea. You guys watch the car," stated Leon, completley serious. That's when he got a transmission.

"Leon, I hope you can hear me," said the woman on the other end.

" No, I can't. I'm deaf."

The woman sighed in annoyance. " My name is Ingrid Hunnigan. I'll be supporting you on your mission."

" That's weird," said Leon. Somehow I thought you'd be a little younger."

Ingrid was going to yell at him, but he just kept talking.

" So her name is Ashley Graham, correct?" he asked.

"Yes."

Then Leon said, " Now I kind of want a Graham cracker."

"Listen," Ingrid began. " She's the president's daughter, so behave."

" Whoever these people are, they probably picked the wrong girl," stated Leon.

" Why's that?" asked Hunnigan.

Meanwhile

**Ashley is trapped at the church when a Ganado walks in.**

" **AAAAHHHH!" Ashley did a loud, ear-piercing scream. So the Ganado yelled back at her.**

" **Will you stop your screaming!" he said.**

" **Why? Does it bother you?" she asked and began screaming again.**

**Then the Ganado's ears fell off and he died.**

**Back to Leon and Hunnigan**

" I don't know, just a thought."

After the transmission, Leon did a cool gangster walk to the rundown dirty house in front of him. Once inside, he saw an old man by a fireplace. Leon randomly went up to him and showed him a picture of Ashley.

" I was wondering if you might recognize the chick in this photo," said Leon.

The old man started babbling in Spanish until the government agent rudely interrupted him.

" Can you plese speak English, sir?"

The dirt-covered man got mad and threw an axe at him, which just missed Leon's head. He had no choice but to kill him with his awesome Chicago Typewriter. After doing so, he looked out of the window next to him. That's when he saw a large truck driving way over the speed limit towards the two men in the other car. The police men got scared and tried to drive away. Suddenly, their car tripped over a rock and fell off a cliff and into the water below.

" Whimps," said Leon. Then he jumped out the window and did his cool gangster walk all the way to the village.

When he got there, he looked at the Ganados through his trusty binoculars. It looked like they were working on a farm.

" That reminds me," he whispered to himself. I brought my handy-dandy ipod!"

He started listening to Old McDonald Had A Farm. Unfortunatley, he didn't realize that he farted and the villagers started running toward him. Equipped with his Typewriter, he gunned them all down in less tham 6 minutes. Then the church bell rang and all the villagers went inside the church.

" Where's everyone going? Bingo?" Leon said.

That's when he heard music playing from the building and someone yelled out " Bingo!"

Leon reached an abandoned house with a dresser that started moving.

" AAAHHH! Closet monster!" he yelled. He was brave enough to open it though. A man with tape over his mouth fell out. Leon, without hesitation, ripped it off.

"Little rough, don't you think?" said the man.

" No."

" You're…not like them?" asked the man.

" No."

" You gotta smoke?" he asked.

"No."

" Is that all you can say?"

" No."

Suddenly, the two heard footsteps.

" Perfect," said the strange man. "The big cheese."

A giant freaky man stepped in the doorway. That's when Leon " cut the cheese."

Unfortunatley, the big cheese blocked the stink and used it to fling Leon across the room, knocking both him and the strange man unconcious.


	2. Childhood Memories

Thanks so much for the reviews guys! Okay here's more!

Chapter 2

Childhood Memories

" What? What's going on?" Leon asked himself as he woke up bound to the strange man he had met before. " Hey you! Wake up!"

" I've been awake," said the man. " For the past half hour."

" Then what exactly have you been doing for the past 30 minutes?" Leon asked him.

" Oh. A half an hour is thirty minutes?"

" Forget it. What's your name so we can stop calling you 'the strange man' in this fic?"

" My name is Luis Sera," said the strange man. " What's yours?"

Leon thought he was just hilarious when he replied "Molly," but Luis didn't get that it was a joke.

" Hi Molly," Sera replied.

Leon was confused. Then he showed Luis a picture of Ashley.

" Have you seen her?" he asked.

" Let me guess," Luis began." Is she the president's daughter?"

Leon said," That's too good for a guess. Wanna start explaining?"

" Phsycic powers," was his reply.

" No way dude! Are you serious?" Leon yelled, very excited.

Luis Sera was about to tell him it was just a joke. Then again, he didn't get Leon's "Molly" joke. However, he was interrupted by a Ganado with an axe walking in. Sadly, the zombie tripped over a rock which caused the axe to slip out of his hand.

" Now!" said Leon. They both moved as far away as possible as the axe hit the maetal that kept them toghether. Then Luis started to run away.

" And just where do you think you're going?"

" To…the um…BATHROOM! See you later Molly!"

" You can't just-" Leon began. But Luis was already gone.

Leon continued on until he got to the big cheese's house. Leon was mad at him, so he went on a farting spree. He ran up and down the stairs farting.

Unfortunatley, , the chainsaw guy, heard him. Luckily, Leon only used afew bullets from his Chicago Typewriter to kill him and all of his friends.

When he got back to the village, one of the ganados started chasing him with a pitchfork. Leon insulted him when he said that he looked like Barney the dinosaur. The ganado kept chasing up a ladder until he fell off of the roof and screamed and then died.

After that, Leon finally got to the door where he could use the insignia key. However, he didn't know what to do. After at least four hours, he used it. That's when he saw the merchant for the first time. Yes. The first time. Last time, Leon just thought he was a he saw all of his big weapons, Leon peed his pants then ran away. Then he got a transmission.

" Leon, have you reached the church yet?" asked Hunnigan.

"Sort of," replied Leon.

" Did I mention not to take the scenic route?" said Hunnigan. " Well Ashley's inside the church. The call ended.

Leon didn't want to save Ashley yet, so he decided to look around. Through a door, he saw a bunch of crows.

" Crows!"

He ran and danced in the middle of them until one of them pecked his nose.

"Owie."

Leon started to go down a trail until a giant boulder ran him over.

Several You Are Dead's later…

Leon finally made it to a cliff where he saw two zombies in a boat throw a police man into the water. He was eaten by a giant monster. Leon was brave enough to get into the boat when it magically attatched itself to the monster, De Lago.

" I'm reliving my childhood!" yelled Leon.

Back when Leon was six years old…

**He was at home playing with his Barbie Beach Party Playset.**

" **DIE!" he yelled as he made Ken get in a boat that got eaten by sharks.**

" **Barbie's mine!"**

**Present**

After harpooning the monster several times, Leon got out a mirror. He showed it to De Lago and it screamed and then died.

When he got back on shore, Leon realized he had blue and purple veins growing out of his arms.

" I'm…turning…into…the…HULK!"

This one's a little short but I hope you still liked it. 


	3. Ashley Gets Hit In The Face

Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil, Barney, or Fruits Basket!

Chapter 3

Ashley Gets Hit In The Face With A Wooden Plank

Leon woke up and realized it was all a dream. He got another transmission.

" Leon," said Hunnigan. " It's been six hours since pur last transmission. I was starting to get worried.

" Don't you mean lonely?" said Leon.

Hunnigan was about to hang up, but again, Leon kept talking.

" I passed out. And then I had a dream that I turned into the Hulk."

" Maybe that's what the village chief was talking about," said Hunnigan.

" Who's that?" asked Leon. Hunnigan hung up this time.

Leon then went through a large door when a ganado came towards him. Only this time, the zombie started acting like Leon when he has extra sour lemon candies.

" AAAHHH!" Leon screamed like the schoolgirl he really is. " HE'S GOING TO TURN INTO THAT GIRL FROM THE RING!"

Instead, a parasite popped out of his head.

" DIE RING GIRL!!!" He shot the gross looking thing.

He kept walking until he saw a bunch of water running through large wooden structures.

" I didn't know this place had a Soak City," he said as he climbed down. He shot some boxes, jumped over them, then came to a lever.

" I don't think I should attempt to pull anything…" Leon said, remembering Raccoon City.

Back in 1998

**Leon and Claire are walking down an alley. Claire was very annoyed with Leon and his apparent obsession with Barney the stupid dinosaur.**

" **And then he said to me, if you just believe-" Leon was cut off.**

" **LEON!" yelled Claire. " Will you just be quiet?"**

" **Can we play a game?" he asked.**

**Suddenly Claire thought of a way for him to shut his mouth.**

" **Hey Leon," she said. " Pull my finger."**

" **Okay!" said the rookie cop.**

**And you can pretty much guess what happened after that.**

**Present**

He pulled the lver anyway.

Leon dould now see a path through the waterfall. He went through it, dissapointed there was no Pacific Spin, and got the Round Insignia. On his way back, he came across a bunch of ganados trying to pull something heavy. Leon thought it was a giant stuffed Barney, but it turned out to be a big fat giant. It killed all of the ganados. Leon just stared at it.

" I think I'll name you Jibbly," he said. That made the fat giant mad as he tried to kick Leon.

" Bad Jibbly!" he yelled and killed it with a rocket launcher. That's when the dog he saved earlier gave Leon 150000 pestas for saving him.

As he made his way to the church, Leon saw a bunch of evil dogs. He decided to name them all Kyo, like the guy from Fruits Basket, because Kyo is a really cool name.

" Bad Kyo!" he yelled and killed them all. He then used his half brain to get inside the church with the Round Insignia. After climbing up ladder and solving a colorful puzzle, He finally got to a door and, with all the power and brains he had, opened it.

" Ashley!" he said

" Don't come!"

Ashley picked up a wodden plank and threw it at at Leon's face. However, Leon's cat-like reflexes caught it, then threw it back at her. It smacked Ashley on the face and gave her a bruise.

" Great. Now I have to put on more cover-up," she said.

" I'm Leon. The President of Canada- I mean the US- sent me here to get you."

" What? My father?" she said.

" No. Your grandma stupid," said Leon. " Yes your father!"

As they continued on, they saw an old guy in a dress.

" I'll take the girl," he said.

" ASHLEY'S A GIRL?!" asked a surprised Leon.

" I am Osmund Saddler," said Osmund Saddler.

The old guy e then explained the eggs and the parasited and everything I don't feel like typing. That's when two ganados with dresses shot arrows at them. Luckily, there was a conviently placed window that they jumped out of.

" Leon, what's gonna happen to us?" asked a scared but stupid Ashley.

" We're probably gonna die," replied Leon.


	4. More Wooden Planks

Thank you guys soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much for reviewing!

Disclaimer: I still do not own Resident Evil

Chapter 4

More Wooden Planks

I'm going to skip ahead to when Leon and Ashley get to the cabin with all the zombies.

" What are we going to do Loen?" Ashley, Queen of stupitidy asked.

" Hate to say it, but we're Jill- I mean Leon and Ashley- sandwiched alright," he replied.

" Who's Jill?" asked Ashley.

" No time for questions. Get in that cabin!"

As soon as they were in, Leon slammed the door shut.

" Molly!"

Leon turned around as he saw a wooden plank being thrown at him. Again, his reflexes caught it and threw it back at whoever was there. That person was Luis. Fortunatley, the plank didn't get far enough to hit him. It hit Ashley in the face instead.

" Owwww!" she yelped.

" Is she one of them?" Luis asked.

" No," said Leon. " But she's more annoying.

That's when Ashley the wooden plank target pointed out the obvious. That zombies were coming! Dun Dun Dun! Leon told Ashley to hide upstairs while him and Luis equipped their weapons and got ready for the worst.

" Okay. It's game time," said Luis.

" I love games!" said Leon.

" No Molly! Shoot them!" yelled back Luis.

Luckily, Luis had an infinite launcher and " Molly" had his Chicago Typewriter. It only took a few minutes before they all left.

" Looks like they're backing off," said Leon.

" I have a question I've been wanting to ask you," said Luis.

" What's that?"

" Is your name really Molly?" Luis asked.

" Yeah," said Leon.

Then Ashley said, " I thought it was-"

" It's MOLLY!" he interrupted her.

Luis was too weirded out to say anything. Then he said he forgot something, then left. But not before bumping himself up against the door for about an hour until he realized he had to unbar it.

Okay I know this was extremely short, but While I play the game I do my chapters part by part and it ended there. I'm sorry. I will make the next one longer!


	5. Cheesy EyeballsEwww!

Disclaimer: I still do not own RE. :)

Chapter 5

Cheesy Eyeballs…Ewww!

Leon and Ashley got to a lever that would either open the left or right gate.

" I say we open the left," said Ashley.

" No. Right is always right," said Leon.

After much arguing, they opened the right one. Through the gate was yet another El Gigante.

" Bad Jibbly!" Leon yelled and started shooting it.

Ashley stared at Leon like he was retarded ( which I don't get). Finally Leon killed Jibbly II. They continued on until they got on a lift. Leon had nightmares and thought of falling off of it. Then he had happy daydreams and thought of Ashley falling off of it and into a pool of man-eating sharks. ( That would be HILARIOUS!) Leon was going to push her off, but they got to the other side. Then they got to an old house where Ashley farted.

" You'd better stay outside," Leon said. Ashley went and hid.

Leon opened the door and the village chief was behind him. He grabbed Leon, choked him, then threw him on the ground. Poor hot, stupid Leon.

Then the big cheese twisted the bars so he couldn't leave. Leon kicked a gasoline tank and then shot it and said, " Zai Jian!" ( which means good-bye or see you later in Chinese) : ) Unfortunatley, the big cheese turned into an oversized piece of string cheese. Leon shot it with his Typewriter until the lower half of his body died.

" It'll be a pain to go pee now," said Leon to Cheese.

He shot him until he was dead. Then his eye pooped out.

" Nice!" he yelled and grabbed it. When they got to a large door, Leon and Ashley played catch with the eyeball. The light caught it and opened the door. The a truck started runnind toward them. I would have Ashley get run over, but that would end the story if I did.

Future

**Leon goes back to the president with no Ashley.**

" **, are you back with my daughter?" asks the president.**

" **No. I'm deeply…sorry…sir." Leon says in between giggles.**

" **WHAT?!" the president is furious. " Where is she?!!!!"**

" **I sort of-" he was cut off.**

"**Sort of what?" the president yells.**

" **She got run over by a truck," Leon managed to say. Then he made the mistake of bursting out laughing his butt off.**

**Present**

Just to be safe, I won't make that happen…hehehe.

Leon shot the truck and it screamed and collapsed. Dead. Then they started running from a bunch of zombies. Leon and Ashley used their half brains to cross a bridge then turned the cranks and they were safe…for now.

BTW: Ashley breaks her arms while turning the "very heavy" crank. What a whimp.

Well thanks soooooooo much for reviewing!!! Hope you loved this one! R & R!

-JillSandwich : )


	6. Luis's Magic Pockets

I still don't own RE!

I am sooooooooo sorry I haven't written anything. Hopefully you guys will like this. Anything for my fans. * sniffles *

Chapter 6

Luis's Magic Pockets

Leon and Ashley kept going until they got to a huge courtyard where fireballs were being thrown at them.

" Leon, where are they coming from?" asked stupid Ashley.

" Dragons, you idiot!Shoot them!" Leon yelled.

" But I don't have a-" Ashley stopped. " Well, you do what you have to do," she said and whipped out her ever so powerful fake air gun and made gun noises. I mean, heaven forbid Capcom gives her at least one weapon to defend herself.

Then Leon finally got to a-cannonball machine! * .*

With his skills from playing various video games, he shot the huge doors across the way. That caused them to do one of my favorite things in an RE game, explode!

" See Ashley," said Leon. Sometimes you don't even need keys for doors to open."

( Foreshadow) : )

They went through another door and Leon got another transmission.

"Leon, where's your current location?" asked Hunnigan.

" We decided to lay low in a castle, but it was a bad move," said Leon.

" Meaning?"

" Well it appears the castle has dragons. They must not get many visitors here because the place smells like my Port-O-Potty."

" You own a Port-O-Potty?" asked Ingrid.

" No," said Leon. " Me and the hobo across the street share it."

" Leon!" began Hunnigan. " You are such a-" but the line was cutt off.

" Hunnigan?" she wasn't home so he decided to end the transmission.

" She was going to say Hottie with his own Port-O-Potty," he said.

Leon went forward and grabbed a platinum sword and started poking Ashley with it.

" You moron!" she yelled back. Hey, look who's talking.

Ashley went upstairs and got the other sword. They began playing pirate and started sword fighting. Unfortunatley, the zealots heard them and retreated.

" Quick! Put it back before we get in trouble!" said Leon.

Being the way they are, he and Ashley put their swords on the wrong slate and a door opened. Using their smarts, they went through it. They kept walking until Luis showed up.

" Molly!" he said. " I have something for you."

He began digging in his pockets until he pulled out a penny, a quarter, a My Little Pony horse, an ipod, his Blackberry, a McCafe coffee from McDonald's, Fatal Frame III: The Tormented video game, a bottle of ProActive, a flashlight, a magic marker, some goldfish crackers(the pretzel kind), a potato, all of the Scary Movie movies, a shirt that said "Ladies Man", a red and white umbrella, the Resident Evil 5 Stradegy Guide, a bra, and lint.

"Noodles!" he yelled. " I dropped it!"

" Dropped what?" asked stupid Ashley, sore from sword pokes.

" My sports drink. I thought you might be thirsty," he said. " Have you been coughing up blood?"

Leon and Ashley both shook their head yes.

" THE EGGS HAVE HATCHED!!!" Luis yelled, holding his flashlight to his face and laughing maniacally.

" Why are yo-" Leon started.

" It makes me feel dramatic," he replied and walked away.

Well that's it! There will be more coming either later today or tomorrow. I promise!


	7. Leon's Sister

I still don't own RE.

Hey guys! Again sorry for the wait. I hope three chapters makes up for that. Thanks so much for reviewing! * gives everyone cookies * : )

Okay this one is going to be very short because I did my chapters a little weird. I will try to make the next one longer!

Chapter 6

Leon's Sister

After much hard work, they got the key and went into the castle. That's when they heard witch laughing. Hot but stupid Leon began clicking his heels together saying there was no place like home.

" I am Ramon Salazar," said the witch.

" Are you my sister?" Leon asked.

" No! I am a man!" he yelled and left.

" Well that was short,"said Leon.

I am going to skip to the part where Ashley has to piggyback to get to the levers.

" If I had a dollar for every time," he started. However, he wiped out all of the enemies that tried to take Ashley. They jumped across the river of doom and went through the double doors.

They kept going until Ashley started coughing up some blood.

" OH MY GOD! YOU'RE TURNING INTO ONE OF THEM!" Leon yelled.

" Shut up!" she yelled back.

Fortunatley, Ashley got trapped by a, you guessed it, a wall.

" Finally. Some Leon time," said Leon to himself.

Then Leon got a transmission from his sister.

" Salazar?" he said.

" I've jacked the line," Salazar said. " You are telling your girlfriend unnesessary information."

" Where's Ashley?! Not that I really care. And you leave girlfriend #3 alone!"

" Ah, so she fell into a lovely trap," said Leon's sister. " One more thing. I've let our awesome insects out for a walk in the sewer"

" Good! Cause I'm bored!" Leon said then hung up.

Again sorry about the shortness of this chappie! I will try my best to make the next one longer! -Jill


	8. Ada's Pizza

I still don't own RE. CAPCOM does! Here's the next one! Hopefully you guys will like it. This is where Ada comes in. LeonXAda : )

Chapter 8

Ada's Pizza

Leon went down to the sewer where he saw a bunch of Novistadors, or whatever you call them. He used his half brain to shoot them and then drained the water. After that, he got to a giant room with giant swinging axes. The only thing that helped him get through was imagining Ashley getting hit by them several times. He made it to the other side in no time. That otta shut Ashley up.

" Who da man?" Leon asked himself.

He kept going until he saw some zealots at a ritual. Leon thought it would be hilarious to shoot a rocket launcher at them, and he did. They all died. Well at least I thought it was funny.

Now I will skip to the dead people paintings.

" These are some awesome dead people paintings!" Leon said. " But I don't like the way they are arranged."

Leon arranged them differently and a secret door opened.

" What a pleasant surprise," said Salazar. " But we don't need you."

" If you don't need me, then get off my back old woman!" Leon told him, being stupid and hot at the same time.

" It may come as a surprise," ," the old woman Salazar began. " But I am only 4 years old."

" I don't care how old you are! Snow or sun, you're going down!" the government agent said. Then a bunch of zealots attacked. Leon wiped them out with his Leon made his way to the maze of parasitic wolves. He killed all of the phsyco wolves and got the two pieces of the Moonstone. Being the genius he is, he put the stones together and unlocked the door. He went through and stared at a painting.

" Dude! That painting is totally awesome!" he said.

Then he felt a gun up to his back.

" Put your hands where I can see them," the intruder said.

" Make me," Leon said back. Then he quickly turned around without doing any cool tricks.

" Ada!" he yelled.

" Long time no see," she said.

" You kidnapped Ashley!"

" Noooo…" said Ada. " I hate Ashley."

Me: GO ADA!!! * does a cheer *

" I have to go," she said.

" What? Why? You just got here," Leon said.

Ada slowly but gracefully walked over to the window, then turned toward Leon.

" My pizza is almost ready," the woman replied, then left mysteriously.

Okay I know this one wasn't super long either, but I don't want to bore you guys with outrageously long chapters. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed! : ) -Jill


	9. Death of Luisand Leon's Intelligence

Disclaimer: I still don't own RE. Thanks for the reviews! Okay here is another chapter. I am trying to get as much done as possible because school starts Tuesday for me. YAY I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No not really. I hope you people know I'm kidding.

Bleh.

Chapter 9

The Death Of Luis…and Leon's intellegence

Leon kept going until he saw a bell and decided to ring it. Far ahead of him popped up a picture of a dinner table with turkey and wine.

" I could really use this right now," he said to himself. Theb he shot it thinking he would get a prize. The wine bottle broke and one of the pieces flew towards his face. Leon got hit with the piece of glass which caused him to clumsily slip and fall into the next room where he was greeted by a giant gate. That's when a garrador dropped from the sky.

" The sky is falling!" Leon yelled. He shot a rocket launcher at it and everyone exploded and died.

" Note to self. Tell Hunnigan the sky is falling."

Finally Leon got to…another room! He climbed down a ladder and equipped his Chicago Typewriter. He killed all the enemies downstairs.

" I guess it's sort of a bad thing that I'm shooting you people," said Leon.

" Why?" a random zealot asked.

" Well," Leon began. " I'm really thankful for you guys taking Ashley. She gets so annoying."

" Hey. No problem, bro," replied the zealot. " Anytime."

" My name is Leon," said Leon. " If you hear ANYONE call me by anything else, it's just Leon.

" Hi Leon. I'm zealot #463," said zealot #463.

" Well I gotta go save the annoying brat," said Leon. " And find out where Ada's pizza is."

" Good luck," replied zealot #463.

Leon then to a room where he heard someone yell " Molly!" behind him.

Wonder who that could be.

Leon spun around as if he were going to start dancing to "Bye Bye Bye" by Nsync.

" I got it!" said Luis as he held up the sample. Then his face looked like he was going to barf.

Suddenly, a long parasite went through his chest. It picked him up and slammed him into the ground. How he did not die immediately is beyond me. Leon didn't do anything about it. Bad hot, stupid Leon.

It turns out that the parasite belonged to the grandpa in the dress. Saddler.

" Now that I have the sample," said Saddler. " You serve me no purpose."

Luis threw a bottle of pills at Leon's face.

" First my parents, then Ada, now you Luis?" said Leon. " I DON'T NEED MEDICATION!!!"

"Yes." Luis choked out. " " Yo do. Le-on."

Then Luis died.

Leon drooled over the pills not caring about Luis's dead body.

" CANDY!!!"

Well that's it for chapter 9! Read and Review!!!


	10. Ashley Is Stupid

Hey guys! OMG IT'S BEEN ALMOST TWO MONTHS!!!! I'm sooo sorry. I've had a lot of stuff going on lately and thought about quitting. Then I realized that I don't want to be that girl that doesn't finish her stories. Lol enjoy!!!

Chapter 10

Ashley Is Stupid

"Urg!" Leon heard someone grunt.

"URG!!!!!!"

"That sounds like Ashley," he said to himself. " Oh my God she's constepated! I have to help!"

Leon ran down a small set of stairs til he saw Ashley strapped to a wall.

"HELP!!!!" she called in a stupid nasally voice. Leon whipped out his rifle and shot at the three iron straps. Each one popped off with a loud "TINK!"

As soon as the chains were off, Ashley walked forward shaking her giant butt. Suddenly Leon started talking in a voice that sounded like a woman

" O. M. G. Jill! Look. At. Her. Butt. It is sooooo big!"

" LEON!!!" she yelled "Shut up!"

"What ev-er," Leon replied.

"Talk about near death experience," said Ashley.

Suddenly a few doors opened and a bunch of zealots came strolling out.

"Ashley! Get outta there!" Leon called. Apparently to Ashley, "get outta there" meant crouch down and stay in one spot. Luckily, Leon killed all of the zealots with his Typewriter. Literally. He didn't know what to do, so he went to the next room and dropped them on the zombies' heads. Ashley got the key and went through the door.

Ashley slowly walked through a tunnel and reached a room with a zombie in it. It stared at her. She stared back at it. Then the zombie imagined a white light and flowers behind her and sang to himself,

"I'm a Barbie girl. In a Barbie woooorrrllld."

He was cutt off Ashley throwing a lantern at him. Once again, heaven forbid she has a better weapon…

Okay I'll skip to the part where Ashley is at the sliding puzzle.

"No! I hate these!" she said. "Okat. Let's see what I remember from preschool last week."

After a few agonizing hours, Ashley kicked it. The pieces scattered about and into the right place. She took out the Stone Tablet, placed it in the empty space, and a door magically opened.

Ashley got the Salazar Family Insignia and the Serpent Ornament. All of a sudden, knights started chasing after her.

"Gasp!" she said dramatically and ran away like the little preschooler she is. Until she got to the insignia room. Then she tried turning the dial, but her whimpy arms were too weak, So they broke again.

"Not again!"

The wall slid open and she climbed up the ladder. Halfway up, she fell and hit her head on the ground.

"Ouchie!" she said in a squeaky voice. Then she climbed up again.

Ashley walked out the door and saw Leon flirting wioth some chick in a red dress. The chick glanced up at Ashley before gracefully hurrying away. Ashley quickly ran over.

" Hey! Who was that??!!" she asked him angrily.

"IDK. My. BFF. Jill," he replied.

" I thought you said Jill worked for S.T.A.R.S.,"

"Nevermind," he said.

Ashley, ignoring it, tried to hug him but he put his hands on her face and pushed her out of the way.

Hope you people liked it!!!!! Please review!!! Thx!!! -Jill


	11. I'm Comin For Ya

Hey guys!!! I'm back with yet anoither chapter!!! Enjoy!!!

Chapter 11

I'm Comin For Ya

Leon and whatever her name is continued on into the next room. It had a small platform with two giant wheels on it. Leon thought it would be fun to take a ride on it with Ashley and secretly push her off. Unfortunatley, when he pressed the "x" button to get on, The game wouldn't let Ashley come with. So, he rode alone.

The room up ahead had a bunch of cement dragons and a lot of fire. Leon thought they were all real.

"I must slay you dragons!" he yelled. With that, he whipped out his Chicago Typewriter, yielded it like a sword, and bean shooting the little people inside the dragons.

"You must now only adress me by King Kennedy, Slayer Of All Dragons!" he yelled.

As headed toward the exit, he heard someone mumbling outside.

"Who's that?" he thought. If only Leon COULD think. He put his ear up to the door and listened.

"Barney…dinosaur..imaginaaaation," was all he could make out.

"What the?" He quietly opened the door and stepped out. Ashley had her back turned to him, so she couldn't see him. Suddenly, it all became clear to Leon.

"And when he's tall he's what we call a dinosaur sensaaaation!" Ashley sang as she busted out M.C. Hammer moves.

"Ashley what are you doing?" Leon asked her as he rode to the other side.

"NOTHING!" she yelled back. To their right was something Ashley had always dreamed of.

"The love tunnel!" she called out.

"What?" asked Leon, who didn't know what love is. Without hesitation, Ashley jumped right in.

"Come on in," she said as she stared seductivley at Leon.

Leon got into the cart and punched Ashley in the face. The idiot cart rolled on.

"Leon you jerk!" Ashley yelled when they got to the other side. " Now I need ice!"

Then some random music came on and Leon sang, "Ice! Ice! Baby!"{

"Urgh!" stupid graham cracker groaned. "Let's just keep moving.

Eventually Leon got the King's Grail and got to the part where the yellow door slides open. Midget Salazar was standing behind it. He farted, then turned around.

"I think you've lived long enough," he said. "Let's see if you can survive this time."

Salazar lifted his hand and the ceiling with spikes on it started coming down.\

"NOOO!" Ashley yelled.

"YESSSS!" Leon yelled back. "ASHLEY SANDWICH!!!"

"You idiot! We'll both die!!!"

"Noodles!" Leon "cursed." Luckily he was smart enough to shoot at the shiny red lights. The ceiling stopped moving.

After the got the Queen's Grail, Leon had no idea what to do. He stood there until one of the grails slipped out of his hand and into the right spot.

"Works for me,"said Leon.

"Hey Leon?" asked stupid Ashley.

"Yeah?"

"How come you always say 'I'm comin for ya' all the time?"

"Ashley," he began.

"Hmm?"

"I'm comin for ya."

"Urgh!" she groaned. "If I had a dollar for every time you said that-"

"ASHLEY!!!" he interrupted.

"WHAT???!!!"

"I'm comin for ya."

Ashley was so mad that she didn't notice an extremely fat Novistador coming up behind her. It swooped down and grabbed her butt and flew away.

"AAAAHHHH!" she screamed annoyingly. "HELP!!!"

However, Ashley was too fat for the extremely fat Novistador and they both plumeted to the ground far below.

"Don't worry Ashley! I'm comin for ya!" Leon yelled.

LOL!!!! Please read and review and thanks so much!!!


	12. Leon's Good Towel

Hey guys! I'm really sorry I haven't written up anything in a while, but I've been really busy. But now it's Christmas break so no school!!!! Yay! There was a problem with my game and I accidentally saved over where I left off on this story. I don't have the time to play through the whole thing again, so it is just a little bit farther from where I left off last time. Sorry about that but I hope you still love it! Thanks so much again!!!

Disclaimer: I do not own RE or any of the characters. I also do not own anything Avatar or McDonalds.

Chapter 12

Leon's Good Towel

"UUUURRGGHH!" Leon tried as hard as he could to open the giant wooden doors towering above him.

"Who made these?" he asked himself, but it just ended up looking like he was just some guy with his hands on a door making disgusting noises. After about an hour, he finally got through.

"STUPID DOOR!" he yelled. Tremulous with rage, he started smacking the living daylights out of it. Then he heard someone cackling like a witch. It was coming form behind him.

"A-hahahahahaha!" The cackling got louder and creepier. Leon spun around as fast as he could to reveal Ashley on her knees with two giant-things-holding enormous baldes on both sides of her neck. Next to them, Salazar was sitting on his throne with a blank expression, very similar to the one Leon wears in Degeneration, on his face. Leon gave him a confused look. He could still hear the cackling, but it wasn't Salazar. He turned to face Ashley.

"You hit a door!" she cried, cackling to herself.

Leon's response was, "Duuuuuuhhhhh…"

"!" Salazar rudely interrupted. "Don't you know when it's time to thrown in the towel?!"

He pushed a large red button on his throne that said "Push Me." All of a sudden, the floor opened up into a giant hole. Leon stood on the outside of it very confused. Then, he produced a towel from his back pocket and threw it in.

"What the…?" Salazar was confused.

"WAIT!" Leon called out. "THAT'S MY GOOD TOWEL!!!"

He dived in after it, then landed gracefully on the ground. Salazar sat at his throne shocked as the floor closed.

The first thing Leon did when he got down was climb up a ladder and run through muddy water. He kept on whispering to himself, "I'm comin for ya…I'm comin for ya…"

As soon as he got far enough, he pulled a switch that turned the elevator power on. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a liquid nitrogen tank. Being his hot but stupid Leon self, pushed it down. He didn't realize that the giant monster in front of him had been frozen to death and shattered to pieces. Nope. Never occurred to him.

"What just happened…? Oh well!"

Leon skipped merrily down the hallway, into the elevator, and rode it down.

Meanwhile

Ada Wong was dying of extreme boredom as she was sitting and relaxing on a bench. She was doodling on her PDA. Leon's picture was in the middle with scribbled hearts and cute little messages all over it.

"Sigh," she said to herself. "You love Ashley, don't you honey?"

Then her PDA started blinking lights as her ringtone, Toxic by Brittany Spears, played out. It was none other than Wesker. Ada stared at the moniter.

"Yes," Wesker was talking into a microphone thing. " I'll have a Southern Style Crispy Chicken Sandwich…a Premium Bacon Ranch Salad…and a large Sprite."

Ada was very confused at what was happening.

"Does it come with a toy?" Wesker asked. "Excuse me? What did you just say…? LISTEN! If you don't surrender a Dire Horse Avatar toy tis instant, I will disperse the T-virus in every single populated McDonalds in the entire-Ada?" Wesker looked up toward the moniter.

Ada was completley freaked out.

"Oh…" Wesker started. "Sorry…I but dialed again." He hung up immediatley.

Lol!!!! That was just a random part I threw in there! Hope you enjoyed it!!!


	13. Karaoke Night

Hey everyone! Do you still remember me? If you don't, I'm that girl that rarely updates. Lol! Sorry! I've been really busy and when I have time I'm just too lazy! We all get like that sometimes right? Anyways, I'll shut up and enjoy this short but ok update. AND HAPPY 2010!!!! I hope you guys all have an awesome new year!!! My New Year's resolution is to update more….

Chapter 13

Karaoke Night

"Helllllloooo," Leon called in his best "innocent Claire" voice. "Is anyone here?"

Leon used his muscles to push open the two giant rusty doors in front of him. Inside was a room with bright,hot lava in the floor with a grate separating it. He started foreward, but out stepped two enormous El Gigantes.

"Ahhhhh!" Leon did another Claire impersanation as he ran for the nearest ladder. As he was climbing up, the gigantes started shaking the platform. Hot but stupid Leon clumsily fell foreward but at the last second hooked his fingers around some handlebars and caught himself. The handlebars dove down all the was to the floor where there was a lever.

"Take this!" he yelled.

A huge hole in the ground opened up and both of the gigantes fell through.

"Ooooohhh yeah," Leon said while striking a "cool" gangster pose.

Suddenly,without warning, one of the gigantes rose up out of the lava and yelled at Leon.

"THIS IS SPARTA!" it cried and then drowned.

"It's quiet," Leon whispeed. "Too quiet."

Then some creepy music started playing along with a creepy voice singing along.

"Whats-go-in on on the floor!" it sang.

"I love this record baby but I can't see straight any-more! Keep-it cool what's the name of this club? I can't remember but it's alright I'm alright-"

Then Leon heard a ton of creepy voices.

JUST DANCE! Gonna be o-k! Dada doodoo JUST DANCE!"

Leon "stealthily" whipped around the corner and let out a gunshot. The music stopped and a bunch of Novistadors were staring at him. After a few hours passed, one brave little Novistador broke the silence.

"Get him!!!"

They all ran toward Leon who knocked them out with his Typewriter.

"You'll never get me alive!" he cried.

Then he found two shiny switches and pressed them. It made two statues in the room light up and open the door. Leon skipped merrily through them.

Through the next door were huge, rusty cylinders mentally threatening to squish him. Out of the corner of his eye, Leon thought he saw someone running away.

"Wait a minute…" Yes! It was a woman running away. She had a strong but thin frame and gracefully made her way past the cylinders, her short brown hair flowing behind her.

"Wait!" Leon called to her. "That's danger-" he was cut off by the sound of insides being squished together and brain matter splattering against the walls.

"Maybe I'm just dreaming…" Leon said and continued on.

So that's it! I hope you all liked it! Have a great New Year!!!!!!!! -Jilly


	14. UGLY

Ok I apologize for not updating in FOREVER. And I double apologize this is VERY short. In the game, this was a short chapter. I really hope you guys like it and I'll update more often!!! Thanks to everyone!!!! Do get a better understanding of the end, either copy paste this link: .com/watch?v=za1rZhLvFzk&feature=related

Or go to Youtube and type in :

Ashley Graham U.G.L.Y

Chapter 14

U.G.L.Y.

Leon walked through another door, Twinkle Toes crunching against the dirt. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a mine cart. Carefully steppin in, it wobbled, but he balanced himself as it started moving foreward.

"This is gonna be so cool!"

But it wasn't cool. Ganados were jumping at him from all sides as Leon fought desperatley to get them away. Randomly, a Dominos pizza guy jumped at him. Leon instinctively shot him in the head.

"Yes!" he shouted as he opened a pizza caked with blood. "Victory is mine! Ans so is this extra saucy pizza!"

Then the part we've all been waiting for-the hill.

The cart shook violently as sparks flew around the edges. Leon was yelling at the top of his lungs.

"Oh no!" he yelled over the roar of the wheels. "No!"

He thrust himself over to the side and choked as bile came pouring out of his mouth. After the hill was done, he slowly lifted himself, spitting out rest.

"I shouldn't have had that pizza," he exclaimed.

When the ride was over, Leon went through the next door to reveal the Stone Of Sacrifice, then climbed up the ladder. Once he inserted it, he went up the elevator.

"Oh no," he said.

He threw up again on the floor of the elevator.

"I'm never having pizza again!"

MEANWHILE

"Ashley!" Salazar whined as he sat on his throne. "Begin!"

The lights dimmed as Ashley stood before him and began to sing with a bunch of Ganados surrounding her.

"U-G-L-Y! You aint got no alibi! You ugly! Hey hey! You ugly!"

During Ashley's little "concert," lights were flashing everywhere as they all danced.

Salazar suddenly poofed on another outfit. He wore Ashley's exact clothes as he held up a foam finger that said "Ashley's #1 Fan."

Hope you enjoyed it!!!!!!


	15. Last of Mr Miget

Hey guys sorry I took so long! Eeeeennnnjjjjoooooyyyyy!!!!

Chapter 15

The Last Of Mr. Miget

"Wow."

Leon gazed stupidly up at a giant Salazar statue made of stone. It looked like it could come to life at any minute. In front of the statue was a long walkway which Leon started strolling down. Out of nowhere, a zealot wearing a red robe pulled a lever, iimerging half of the walkway into the water below. Leon climbed up a ladder as the statue's hands started moving in all directions. Once on the ground, Leon jumped onto one of the hands, then onto a tall platform in front of it. There was a lever in front of him also. However, Mr. Stupid pressed a button next to it. A voice came from it.

"Hi welcome to Jill's Sandwiches may I take your order?"

"Yes please," Leon replied. "I'll have a cold-cut 'I hope that's not Chris's blood' combo and a tall Pepsi to go."

"Okay," said the voice. "That will be 4450 pestas."

"Dang!" he yelled. " I only have 4449 pestas!"

The voice hung up on him as Leon shrugged in disappointment pulled the lever, then leaped to the next platform.

After pulling a numerous amount of levers, the long walkway was finally revealed. Leon started toward the door on the other side.. Unfortunatley the statue actually came alive and started chasing him.

"AAAHHH!" he let out an Ashley scream. He ran as fast as he could to the other side, shot the lock open yelling: "This is just like the nightmare I had of Ken chasing me after I drowned him!"

Once outside, the statue fell as Leon quickly jumped to the other side of the bridge, relieved when he was safely there. He pushed through the giant double doors in front of him.

Someone started clapping.

"How nice of you to join us Mr. Scott Kennedy," Salazar said.

"You again!"

"The sacred right that's about to-"

Salazar was cut off abruptly as Leon threw a knife at him. It pinned Salazar's hand to the wall. He started crying.

"Baby," Leon murmured.

"You will pay!" he yelled as he went up the elevator.

Leon went through a series of hallways before finally reaching an elevator, which he killed more zealots in. Then he reached another elevator and headed up.

He ran up a giant set of stairs until he reached more double doors, then entered.

Salazar was there, facing a giant creepy monster.

"Oh you just missed her. She left with my men to an island."

"What?" asked Leon.

Then he stared blankly at Salazar as he blabbered on and on while turning into a monster. Leon threw up again as gates closed him in. Trapped.

Thankfully he had his handy dandy rocket launcher, which he used on Salazar. Leon ran up to his dying body.

"Are you ok?" he asked. (Me: Really Leon? REALLY?)

Salazar was gasping for air. His last words were: "Ashley is truly…ug…ly."

Leon gave a last look at him, shrugged, then went throught the next door.

After walking down a hallway, he heard a woman singing.

"So here I go again! Chasing you down again! Why do I do this?!"

"What the?" Leon asked. It got louder.

"OVER AND OVER! OVER AND OVER! I FALL FOR YOU!"

A few more steps revealed Ada sitting in a boat staring into space, lips unmoving, as the singing went on. Leon looked to his right and saw the merchant..

"Um. Sorry," he said.

Ada turned around to face Leon.

"Need a ride handsome?"


	16. Ashley The Regenerator

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any characters in this fic , nor do I own any dancing pandas.

Chapter 16

Ashley The Regenerator

"Got some…business to take care of," Ada said to Leon as she was she was pulled up by her grapple gun, making the boat go in all directions.

"Pssshhh. Women," Leon said. After a while he added " and sheep" out of nowhere.

Leon went along the cliff, killed a bunch of ganados, then reached a light puzzle.

"This is a little heavy," he said to himself. "Got it!"

The light reflected off of it, then hit a button.

"Shiny…" Leon stared at it for an hour. Once he was over it, he went through the doors.

Leon kept going until he reached a cluttered room filled with bottles. There was also a giant oven. He slowly walked up to it. All of a sudden, a flaming Ganado popped out and started growling at Leon.

"This! Is! Sparta!" he yelled.

Leon gave him a clueless look, then kicked him back into the oven and baked him at 450 degrees Fahrenheit. He then reached a room full of security cameras. He ran up to it, seeing Ashley on one of the screens. She was banging on a door shouting-squeaking pardon me-"Leeeeeeeeeeooonnn! Heeeeeeelllp!"

All of a sudden, a ganado pushed her down, revealing her Hannah Montana kid's panties. One of the ganados yelled at another one. The other guy flipped a few switches, which caused a dancing panda to pop up on the screen saying "technical difficulties."

"Don't worry Ashley," Leon said. " I'm comin for ya."

Then he got to a room where he heard a loud crash. Then a creepy, genderless figure started walking toward him.

"Hey! There you are Ashley!" he called.

Finally realizing that the thing was actually a regenerator, he shot it with a rocket launcher. He ran into a few more Ashleys before inserting the freezer card key. He stepped inside.

"Wait a second," Leon said as he looked around." I thought I was in Resident Evil! Not Silent Hill!"

After rewriting the card key, he went to the garbage disposal. Inside was a giant crane which he started playing with. The crane picked up the little ganados below and played house with them.

"And you can be the mommy. And you could be the daddy," he said to them. Then the machine was shut off.

Leon was sad, but continued on anyway, where he saw Ashley in a storage closet.

"Oh hey Ashley," he told her, then walked off.

From there, another Ashley stared toward them. This time she was impaled with needles. Leon killed it and retrieved the storage room card key.

"Leon!" Ashley called the second she smelled him.

"You ok?" he asked her. "Not that I care." She nodded.

"Let's get out of here."


	17. Ashley Can't Drive

Yes! I'm back! Finally! Very sorry! Enjoy!

Chapter 17

Ashley Can't Drive

" Take, take, take, take," Leon whispered to himself.

"Uh…Leon?" asked Ashley. "What are you doing?"

"Taking the ammo," he replied.

Ashley gave him an akward look as something flew into the room through a window. A paper airplane with a scarlet lipstick kiss on it.

**10 minutes ago**

Ada Wong was sitting on a bench taking just about her twentieth break.

"I should write Leon a note," she thought aloud.

Ada pulled out a random piece of paper from the air and also a pen. When she was finished writing it, after making oragami figures for what seemed like hours, she made it into a paper airplane.

"There," she said. "But just so he knows it's from me…"

Ada put on a truckload of lipstick then kissed it. Then again. And again. And after seductively licking it she stopped, whispering: "No no no."

Then she pulled out another piece and started over.

Present

Leon unfolded the airplane. It read:

" Perhaps you have figured it out already, but Ashley is a stalker. You also might be able to get out of here by using the waste disposal vent."

_not Ada Wong_

"Who is this from?" Ashley asked him.

"I don't know," said Leon. " But whoever they are, they want to help. Let's go."

Ashley kept talking the whole way til they got to where they needed to be. They were on a platform and there was a ton of trashed stored deep below.

"Ugh. It stinks," said Ashley.

"Sorry."

Ashley gave him a weird look.

"No way Leon," she said.

"Waaay," he replied in a girly voice. He stopped to put on gloves, then grabbed her arm and jumped off.

They landed on a huge pile of trash. Leon quickly stood up.

Are you out of your mind?" Ashley asked, still lying down.

"I knew you'd be fine if you landed on your-"

"What is this?" Ashley's hand was all gooey.

"I don't know," Leon said. "But we gotta go."

Once they got to a giant truck, Ashley wanted to drive. Leon was extremely reluctant, but let her anyway. When it started moving forward, a ton of ganados came out and started chasing it. Luckily, they had hot but stupid Leon to shoot them all. However, Ashley is a terrible driver and crashed them into a wall.

"What gives?!"

The merchant was on the other side yelling at them.

"She's only five," Leon said. " Don't yell at her.

And, leaving the merchant clueless, they continued on in their adventure. Well they tried to. Saddler was in the next room and he made Ashley follow him. Leon threw a tracking device on her.

"Don't worry Ashley. I'm comin for ya."

"Shut up!!!" she called back.


	18. Trail Of Peanuts

Sorry I took so long! Lol! This is a long chapter! YAY!!! I finally learned how to make them longer!!!

Chapter 18

Trail Of Peanuts

Leon walked up the blue, stone steps of the dimly lit room. He was happy. Ashley was gone. He saw something shiny on a dirty table in front of him and picked it up.

Our Plan

_Because of that idiodic agent named Molly, we have lost our beloved Big Cheese and the miget. Nevertheless, we will continue._

_I need men who will swear their alleigence to me. I learned my lesson when my girlfriend dumped me at Burger King last year. I will not make the same mistake again._

_In this important hour, I cannot and will not have anyone stand in my way. Especially that Asian woman in the pink dress who is stalking the stupid government agent._

"This makes no sense at all. I have just wasted one minute of my life reading it," Leon said. He crumpled it up and tossed it on the floor. In front of him was a rusty old door that smelled like peanuts.

"What the? Who would eat peanuts at a time like this?"

MEANWHILE

"What's the news of our friend Leon?"

Jack Krauser stood tossing a knife up in the air and catching it. Unfortunatley it came straight down and stabbed his hand.

"AAAHHH!" he screamed. Blood was everywhere.

Ada was leaning on a wall across from him, arms crossed. "He's not making this easy. The sample?"

Krauser turned around and looked at her, squeezing his hand. He had tears running down his face. It was runing his guyliner.

"Saddler has it," her replied, sobbing. "It seems he's sniffed out our little game."

"Perfect," said Ada.

Krauser finally pulled himself together.

"Just so we understand each other clearly, I don't trust you. Nor does Wesker. If you try to do anything clever, I will kill you."

"Is that so?" Ada asked. "Well then. You're just jealous because I'm more emo than you."

"What?!" Krauser was dumbfounded. "Well…you're just jealous because I have bigger muscles."

"Well," Ada said. "You're just jealous because I'm a good stalker."

Krauser paused, getting very mad. Then he yelled "You look like a man!" and stormed off.

**PRESENT**

Leon casually climbed down to flights of stairs to a giant stone room with a bunch of gates. To his right was an elevator. He rode to the top, staring at the ceiling. It led him to a giant bridge. He walked slowly across to the platform. Sensing something, he pulled out his knife and spun around. Nothing. Then there was a loud bang as none other than Jack Krauser swooped down like a giant oversized monkey. Leon dodged out of the way as his own knife sliced his cheek.

"Ow!" he yelled. "Stupid knife!"

He then turned his attention to the gorilla in front of him.

"Chris Redfield!"

"No you idiot!" Krauser yelled. "My muscles are bigger! Anyways, I died in a crash two years ago. Is that what they told you?"

"No…" Leon said. "They told me you left to go find the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and upon finding they aren't real, you comitted suicide."

Krauser was mad.

"Forget the knife fight!" he yelled. "Let's get straight to the killing! Enough talk! Die comrad!"

He lunged at Leon with his knife, pinning him down. The knife was just inches away from Leon's neck. Then there was a gunshot. The knife went flying as Leon got up.

"Tifa Lockheart!" Leon shouted.

"No!" Ada yelled from atop the platform.

"Well," Jack said. "If it isn't the stalker in the pink dress."

Ada shot him and evil glare.

"It's red!" she yelled.

"Pink…" Krauser sang then just walked off. Ada jumped down from the platform as Leon picked up his knife.

"You two knew each other?" she asked him.

"More or less," Leon replied. "Maybe it's about time you told me the reason why you're here."

"If I told you I'd have to kill you."

Ada went to go jump off of the railing to impress Leon, but instead she went tumbling down to the cold stone floor. Leon heard a loud crack.

"Ewww."

Leon smelled more peanuts. It led him to two double doors. Behind them were a ton of lasers. Luckily he knew some good moves.

"Hit it," he said to the air.

Barbie Girl began playing randomly and Leon did some pretty awesome dance moves. He danced his way all the way out to the end, finishing off by walking up the wall, jumping off, and landing in a cool pose.

"Oh yeah," he said.

Unfortunatley later on, Leon got scared of the thing called "It" and started crying.

"Take this!" he yelled while he sobbed.

After that nightmare, he smelled more peanuts. Little did he know, those peanuts would lead him somewhere vey…peanuty…

LOL!!! Thanks so much guys you rock!!! -Jilly :D


	19. Worm Lips

Hey everyone! Sorry I took so long but it's summer now! YAY! Finally.

Chapter 19

Worm Lips

"So. You two are all hooked up now is that it?"

"Krauser!" Leon called. "No we are not! She's a creeper! Look what I found out about her!"

Leon reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. He quickly showed it to Krauser.

**List of things I know about Ashley:**

**sleeps with a Hello Kitty nightlight**

**has Hannah Montana panties**

**gender unknown**

**Likes men twice her age**

**Eats at Chuck E Cheese**

**Is very stupid**

When Krauser finished reading it, he asked, "Do you really wanna know where she is?"

"No," replied Leon.

"She's beyond that gate," Krauser replied anyway.

"No!" Leon yelled. He put his hands over his ears and chanted, "La la la! I can't hear you!"

"Enough talk!" Jack shouted back. "Die comrade!"

With that, they began their little battle which involved lots of stair climbing, door opening, never ending fun. After a while, Leon got to the first insignia. He picked it up.

"What do you intend to do in restoring Umbrella?" Leon asked him.

Krauser said a ton of words Leon couldn't understand. Neither can I. Therefore I will skip that part. Leon was tossing the insignia in the air and catching it. It hit him in the face. Out of nowhere a woman came running towards him. It was someone named Sheva.

"You need first aid spray!" she called.

"You idiot you just wasted it!"

Once all o that craziness was over, Leon found himself in front of a dirt road. Exciting I know. He walked carefully up. As he did, he got a transmission. It was from Saddler. On the screen was indeed Saddler, but his picture had a punk tint to it and there were throbbing hearts on it.

"What the?" Leon started.

Saddler looked shocked. "Huh? Turn this thing off!" Then music started playing on his side.

" _There's something bout the way you look tonight. Maybe it's the way that I can't take my eyes off you. There's something bout the way, your lips invite-"_

Saddler quickly shut off the Clay Aiken button, sweating. Leon was giving him a very confused look.

"Umm, anyways," Saddler started nervously. "Um it seems you killed Krauser too. How should I return my appreciation?"

"What?" Leon asked. "Isn't he with you?"

"Please…do you really think I would trust a fat lump who's afraid of cows? To tell you the truth, I was deciding how to get rid of him. But thanks to you, that is no longer necessary.

"So you were using him," said Leon.

"Mr. Kennedy," Saddler began. " I must admit that you have demonstrated quite a bit of promise by doing that. When your plagas is complete, I'll serve you as my guard!"

"Nah thanks," Leon replied.

"Enjoy your smart mouthing while you can," Saddler said and ended the transmission.

Up ahead there were hundreds of ganadoes. Leon jumped behind a box. A light shined above him and hit his face. He shielded it with his arms. At first he saw Ada, but then her face formed into a helicopter. Leon was sad.

"It's about time," he said.

The helicopter shot down a water tower and murdered a ton of ganadoes. After running around this maze of zombies and fire, Leon got to a set of you guessed it, stairs! Leon made his way up to a giant hill and all of a sudden he was completely surrounded by ganadoes.

"Ashley! Help me!" he screamed in a nasally voice. Then Mike the helicopter came by and killed everyone. Saddler got mad and shot a rocket launcher at Mike.

"Mike!" Leon screamed.

After 2 seconds of caring, Mr. Kennedy climbed down a steep ladder and into a room with a dirt floor and dirt walls. That's when beautiful music started playing in his head because do you want to know what small little miracle was in the corner of the dirty room? A Big Mac. Leon screamed and picked it up. It was all dusty and covered in mold and worms. He immediately shoved it in his mouth.

"Heaven," he managed to say with his mouth full.

Once he swallowed it don, he felt something slithering in his throat. A worm! Leon let out a gross cough. Pretty soon he was crouching down holding his stomach and couging. There was a voice behind him.

"Leon. You ok?"

"Yea," he replied as he continued coughing.

Ada moved forward, ready to help. Leon slowly turned around, giving her an evil look.

"I…" he started with a blank look, staring at her with glassy eyes. "…have a worm…stuck…in my throat…"

Ada ran to his aid in a heartbeat. (So sweet ^-^). She tightly wrapped her slender fingers around Leon's throat, strangling him.

"I'll help you!" she yelled.

After throwing him around like a ragdoll, the worm came flying out of his mouth and attached itself to Ada's bottom lip. She stood there completely shocked, her fingers still grasping his neck as she let out a surprised gasp and closed her eyes.

"Ew…" she quietly whispered. "Uhhhh…I'm gonna…go…"

Ada spit out the worm and ran off.

WELL. That's it for now! Just ONE more official chapter! I have it written already so all I have to do is type it up. Thanks so much guys! ^-^


	20. The Way

Omigosh! Here is the big finale! When you are done reading this chapter, please read the note at the bottom. Thanks! :) -Jilly

Chapter 20

The Way

Leon opened a door. Behind it was none other than Saddler. Leon immediately blurted out: "I'm taking her back!"

"Ah, the audacity of youth," said Saddler. He punched Leon in the gut which sent him flying across the room. He hit the tank Ashley was in and started coughing.

A machine gun started. Hundreds of bullets hit Ashley's tank, then Saddler. Ada. She was on a platform above them.

"Leon now!" she yelled.

Leon very reluctantly let Ashley out of her tank and let her crumble to the ground.

"Lazy," he said as he picked her up and dragged her to the next room.

"Leon! You're alive!" cried Ashley.

"No dur," he said. "Just shut up and get in that chair."

Ashley sat down while Leon worked some switches. He lauged hilariously. The machine started electrocuting Ashley. It completely disintegrated the parasite. Once Leon's was gone, they began to head out.

Ashley and Leon went up a long, dark tunnel with a lot of stairs. They could hear ganadoes which sent chills up their spines.

"Ya know what Ashley?" Leon asked.

"What?"

"Maybe you're not as annoying and obnoxious as I say you are."

"Really?" she asked. "Are you being serious?"

"We'll be outta here soon so…yup."

"Um…thanks?"

Once outside they reached a huge construction site. They went down some stairs to an elevator to their right.

"Something's not right…" he said to himself. "Stay here." Leon went up.

As soon as he reached the top, he ran out to see poor Ada tightly wrapped in rope.

"Ada!" he called. Saddler suddenly appeared and tried to control Leon's plagas.

"Better try a new trick, cuz that one's getting old," Leon said as he pulled out a knife and threw it at the rope. It sliced it, sending Ada down to the floor. Saddler started laughing.

"What's so funny?" asked Leon.

"I dunno."

Then Saddler turned into a giant monster.

"Ada stand back!"

Leon backed away and began shooting with his Typewriter. The monster lunged at him, missing. He then ran behind him and climbed up a ladder. Yay.

"Take this."

Leon pulled a switch which sent a giant cupcake hurtling toward Saddler, knocking him down. As soon as he was weak enough, Kennedy stabbed him in the eye. He repeated this process several times until Ada appeared out of nowhere.

"Use this!" she called. Ada threw him a revealing bra out of her thigh holster.

"Wait! Ugh." Ada cursed as she fished out a rocket launcher from her giant thigh holster.

With one shot, Saddler exploded into hundreds of bite-sized pieces.

There it was. The sample. Right in front of him. Leon reached for it. Just inches away he heard the click of a gun right by the back of his head.

"Sorry Leon." It was Ada. "Hand it over."

"Ada, you do know what this is?"

"Of course," the woman replied. "My daily medication duh."

He gave it to her and she quickly turned on her heels and ran off. She suddenly jumped off the side of the building. Leon ran after her after he heard a splash. It was just a silly dolphin X).

Ada was in a helicopter. She looked at Leon and pushed a button which started a timer. She threw him a red key with a teddy bear on it.

"Better get a move on. See you tonight. I mean see you around!" The helicopter flew off.

"Vey cute," said Leon.

He ran down as fast as he could and grabbed Ashley by the arm.

"This place I gonna blow!"

They hurried down a huge tunnel to a jet ski. Leon jumped on then gave Ashley a disgusted look.

"Fine, you can get on."

"Yay!" she clapped.

They zoomed through a ton of obstacles and falling rocks. Each one hit Ashley. He he he… ^-^

At the last second, the Jet Ski flung off the island as it blew up behind them. Ashley fell into the water.

"Ashley! Where are you? Not that I care!" He ran over her head with the Jet Ski.

"Over here!"

Unfortunately Ashley safely got on.

"So," Ashley started. "After you take me back to my place-"

"No way," said Leon.

Ashley gave a pouty look as a dolphin swam up to them.

"There you are, Skippy!" said Leon.

"Who's that?" asked Ashley.

"My pet dolphin, duh," he replied.

And with that, Leon, Ashley, and Skippy, rode off into the sunset with The Way by Clay Aiken playing over and over again in Ashley's head.

:) THE END (:

Writing this story while playing the game took me 11:52:49. Lol!

WOW! My first official fanfic! Thank you sooo much EVERYONE! ATTENTION: THIS IS NOT THE LAST CHAPTER. I will do the epilogue, music, and extra stuff in the next chapter.


	21. Epilogue Part 1

Hey! Here's part one of the epilogue! Enjoy!

Leon and the Evil Residents

Epilogue

Part 1

~ **Jibbly's Epilogue ~**

"Hello everyone and thank you for joining us today! Coming up: Will Jill Valentine ever get over her fear of sandwiches? Find out now! Here he is, the man who solves your problems: Dr. Jibbly!"

The entire audience stood up and cheered as they looked around for the star. Suddenly there was a loud bang as the entire studio started shaking. The walls at the front tumbled down, dust flying everywhere as a large, bulky figure emerged into the room. The crowd fell silent.

"I LOVE YOU JIBBLY!" a fat man screamed as him and five of his friends ripped off their shirts, one letter painted on each hairy chest spelling J-i-b-b-l-y.

Sure enough, El Gigante came in and sat down a very large chair as the crowd began roaring.

"And now please welcome Jill Valentine!"

The audience began cheering as a lady with short brown hair walked into the room and sat down across from Dr. Jibbly.

"What is your problem Ms. Valentine?" Dr. Jibbly asked, thinking how happy he was to finally learn English.

"They're everywhere!" Jill was sobbing hard, head in her hands and eyes very red.

"What is everywhere Ms. Valentine?"

"The sandwiches…" she choked out.

"Please tell us what happened," Dr. Jibbly requested.

Once Jill was finished explaining what happened at the Spencer Estate, Jibbly muttered something into his earpiece. Within the same minute, someone came into the studio holding a sandwich and set it on the table in front of Jill.

"Jill," said Dr. Jibbly. "You can do this."

Jill slowly took a deep breath and reached for the sandwich, opening her mouth wide as it cut to a commercial break.

**~ Wesker's Epilogue ~**

There was too much going on for Albert to handle. Too much work, too many papers, and too many angry employees. He needed a break and he needed one now. However he still needed to support his family (his cat Whisker) so he just decided to get a temporary, funner job. And there was only one place he could think of…

"Six billion cries of agony, will birth a new balance."

"Excuse me?"

Sometimes Wesker forgot.

"I mean," he started. "Hello and welcome to McDonald's may I take your order?"

"Yes please…" a clean-shaven man with curly brown hair in a Ford F150 started. " Can I get a number 3 with extra onions and extra cheese and um…a large Coke with a large fry…and a Mighty Kids Meal."

"Ugh that doesn't sound vey appetizing," said Wesker.

"Excuse me?"

"I mean that will be $13.99," he said.

Once the man arrived to pay at the window, his daughter poked out her head from the backseat, staring at Wesker as he got out the money from the register.

"Hi I'm Zoey," she told him.

Wesker ignored her.

"Hehe," she chuckled.

"What so funny?" Albert asked through gritted teeth.

"You look like a kitty!"

"Insult me one more time and I'll shoot a bullet through your skull!"

"Excuse me!" the father yelled.

Wesker busted out a Special Rocket Launcher and pointed it at the car.

END OF EPILOGUE PART 1


	22. Epilogue Part 2 Ashley's Epilogue

Omigod I totally apologize for taking so long…ENJOY!

**LATER Epilogue Part 2**

~Ashley's Epilogue~

"Ok Ashley…you can do this…"

Ashley Graham looked down nervously at her hands. They were sweating. She looked down. There was a puddle of sweat by her feet. Looking around apprehensively then ignoring it, she reached her arms behind her back and readjusted her tank top. She then fixed her poofy skirt.

"No pressure…"

Twelve minutes later she still stood there, balling her dripping hands into fists. Ashley did nothing but stare into space, thinking about the consequences of her future actions.

"I'm sure this will all work out perfectly….He'll take me into his arms, kiss me, and be so happy to see me. And I will be uber happy to see him."

Twenty minutes later…she was still standing there like a post. Then Ashley could hear sounds inside the house. Groaning. After that, the sound of a TV.

"Alright…time to do this."

FINALLY Ashley reached out her finger…slowly moving toward the doorbell. She pressed it, hearing a loud DING DONG! Coming from inside. There were footsteps.

"Uhhh…I don't know if I can do this…"

The door swung open in front of her. There he was. Leon Kennedy.

"Who are you?"

"Leon…don't you remember me?"

"No…" said Leon. "I'm not buying anything."

"Maybe this will jog your memory." Ashley began. All of a sudden she let out a giant scream of terror.

"AIEEEEE! LEEEOOOONN! HEEEEEELP!"

Leon immediately put his hands over his ears, grunting in agonizing pain.

"Oh no," he began. "Not YOU!" He then slammed the door as hard and as fast as he could right in front of her face. He locked the door, then made a bee line for the shed, gathering up many wooden planks and several nails. Not much time left before Ashleyy broke in, he quickly race backed to the front door, nailing it shut permanently. Once he was done, Leon proceeded to do the same to all the windows and doors in his house.

"But Leooon," he heard a struggling cry from the window to his right. It was Ashley clawing at the window.

"I just wanna be with you!"

"What is wrong with her?" Leon asked himself. He then laid down on the living room floor in the fettle position.

Meanwhile Ashley was outside and gave up. Sighing, she slowly started walking down the driveway.

"I guess there are more zombies in the graveyard…"

Out of nowhere another girl came running at her with a knife.

"Lay off my man!" she yelled, and tackled Ashley.

"Who are you?" Ashley asked as she struggled to get out from under this random woman.

TO BE CONTINUED


	23. The Last Epilogue

Last epilogue

"What the?"

Someone thin yet very heavy had fallen flat on Ashley's face. A woman. The woman automatically sat up on Ashley's stomach. Placing her legs behind her, the woman then reached behind her back very quickly. That's when she pulled out a giant, sharp kitchen knife. As soon as she had yielded it over her head, she let the knife come plunging toward Ashley's face. The tip of the weapon came into contact with Ashley's forehead. Then it bended. Like rubber. The girl started at it in pure shock. It had almost killed her. The woman gave an evil grin. Ada.

"Ada?" Ashley gasped. She used all her muscle to shove Ada off her limp body. Once Ada rolled off onto the ground, she stood up. Ready to attack.

"Rubber? Did you seriously think you were ever going to get anywhere with a RUBBER knife?"

"No," Ada replied. "But I am getting somewhere with this baby."

She reached behind her back and pulled out an enormous Gatling gun. Ada aimed it straight at Ashley's noggin.

"DIE!"

MEANWHILE Leon was inside his comforting home, minding his own business, he was reading "Evil Residents For Dummies." Suddenly a loud noise broke his concentration.

BANG BANG BANG!

"Is that…a Gatling gun…?"

Startled, Leon rushed outside to his front yard. There he saw two girls…wait was that Ada and Ashley? Anyways…he saw to ladies cat fighting in his front yard. The Asian one was pulling out the blonds' hair while the blond was biting the Asian's arm. Neither had a Gatling gun.

"Huh…? Then what was…?"

Leon heard the flush of a toilet come from his own bathroom. He raced inside and stood outside the door. The sink was running. Then it turned off. The door opened. Barry Burton stepped out, a newspaper rolled up in between his side and his arm.

"Barry?" Leon was surprised.

Barry made his way toward Leon's front door, saying "Those Jill Sandwiches sure can hurt."

Leon was confused. Remembering the two girls outside, he ran back out there. They were gone.

"Huh…?"

Leon had not been sure if he was hallucinating or not, but either way that was pretty creepy. Anyway. This whole journey had taught him 3 life lessons:

One: Avoid zombies

Two: Do not avoid Asians

Three: Avoid graham crackers and jill sandwiches

"Thaks soo much for reading my super uber awesome story of awesomeness!" says Leon. "Stay classy fanfiction."

THE END

Thanks to all my reviewers I love you! :D Hope you enjoyed!


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